Begin to Set Personal Boundaries

Do you have a hard time standing up for yourself? Do you keep agreeing to do things that you really don't want to do? Do you tolerate rude comments or pushy people because you can't handle conflict? Do you take things personally?

Life coach Cheryl Richardson says that creating stronger boundaries is the number one way for most women to improve their lives. Here she shows you how to stand up for yourself! Set personal boundaries and free yourself from the "disease to please" with these three steps!

Step 1: Self-AwarenessThe first step in learning to set boundaries is self-awareness. Complete the following sentences.

Step 2: Setting Your BoundariesLearn to set boundaries with others. Find support and using specific language.

Step 3: Strengthen Your Internal BoundariesToo often, women neglect to stand up for themselves by avoiding confrontation. When someone offends you, stop and ask these three questions.

Guilt in Setting Boundaries
Learn how to overcome guilt. Get rid of the obstacles that could be blocking your way to setting boundaries in your life.  

The first step in learning to set boundaries is self-awareness. For example, pay close attention to the situations when you lose energy, feel a knot in your stomach, or want to cry. Identifying where you need more space, self-respect, energy or personal power is the first step.

Another way to identify your boundaries is by completing these three sentences with at least 10 examples.

1. People may not ___________.Click for examples

2. I have a right to ask for ____________.Click for examples

3. To protect my time and energy, it's OK to _________________.Click for examples

Step 2: Setting Your Boundaries

LOVE & RELATIONSHIP

LOVE &  RELATIONSHIP

Start setting simple but firm boundaries with a graceful or neutral tone. This will feel uncomfortable at first, but as you take care of yourself, the personal power you gain will make it easier.

1. Be sure to have support in place before and after each conversation. If you can't find support from a friend or family member, you may be successful finding a friend online.
   
2. Vent any strong emotions with your partner before having your boundary conversation.
   
3. Use simple, direct language.
   • To set a boundary with an angry person:
     "You may not yell at me. If you continue, I'll have to leave the room."
   • To set a boundary with personal phone calls at work:
     "I've decided to take all personal calls in the evening in order to get my work done. I will need to call you later."
   • To say no to extra commitments:
     "Although this organization is important to me, I need to decline your request for volunteer help in order to honor my family's needs."
   • To set a boundary with someone who is critical:"It's not okay with me that you comment on my weight. I'd like to ask you to stop."
   • To buy yourself time when making tough decisions:
     "I'll have to sleep on it, I have a policy of not making decisions right away."
   • To back out of a commitment:
     "I know I agreed to head up our fundraising efforts, but after reviewing my schedule, I now realize that I won't be able to give it my best attention. I'd like to help find a replacement by the end of next week.
   • To set a boundary with an adult child who borrows money:
     "I won't be lending you money anymore. I love you and you need to take responsibility for yourself."
   
   
4. When setting boundaries, there is no need to defend, debate, or over-explain your feelings. Be firm, gracious and direct. When faced with resistance, repeat your statement or request.
   
5. Back up your boundary with action. Stay strong. If you give in, you invite people to ignore your needs
   
   Step 3: Strengthen Your Personal Boundaries

LOVE & RELATIONSHIP

LOVE &  RELATIONSHIP

One of the reasons that women take things personally is because they have weak "internal boundaries." An internal boundary is like an invisible shield that prevents you from taking in a comment without checking it out first. For example, when someone accuses you of being arrogant, stop and consider the statement before taking it in.

When you use this internal shield, especially with difficult people like an ex-spouse or critical parent, it gives you time to ask yourself the following three questions:

• How much of this is true about me?
• How much of this is about the other person?
• What do I need to do (if anything) to regain my personal power or stand up for myself?

This last question is very important. Too often women neglect to stand up for themselves by avoiding confrontation and end up weakening their internal shield, making it harder to set boundaries at all. So, if someone offends you, it may be necessary to let them know in order to protect and strengthen your internal boundaries.

Guilt in setting boundaries

Is guilt standing in your way of saying no to the things you don't want to do? Learn how to overcome guilt and other obstacles that could be blocking your way to setting boundaries in your life.

Overcoming GuiltYou have to be ready to make tough choices to change your lifestyle. Cheryl Richardson says guilt is the most common obstacle to taking care of yourself. You will feel guilty by making yourself a priority. To overcome guilt, face it head on. See it as a sign that you are on the right track.

Overcoming ResistanceTell people your priorities have changed and that you are taking care of your needs. If you feel your own resistance to focusing on yourself, remember, when you put yourself first, you are then fully available to others without resentment or anger.

Find Support
When you start making yourself a priority, you may feel uncomfortable and uncaring. Stay with it and find support from other women doing the same. 

More on curing the disease to please:

• Don't be a doormat  
• Set personal boundaries
• Your absolute yes list
• Learning to say no to others 

The first step in learning to set boundaries is self-awareness. For example, pay close attention to the situations when you lose energy, feel a knot in your stomach, or want to cry. Identifying where you need more space, self-respect, energy or personal power is the first step.

Another way to identify your boundaries is by completing these three sentences with at least 10 examples.

Read more:

10 Ways to Have Peaceful, Loving Relationships

“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.” ~Dalai Lama
Though Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, this is not a post about romance. It’s about any relationship–with your brother, your mother, your coworker, your friend.
And I admit I am not an expert.
I’ve made a million and one mistakes in relationships. I’ve expected too much. Or not asked for what I needed in fear of rocking the boat. I’ve been competitive. I’ve been suspisious. I’ve been dependent. I’d like to think what redeems me from all these mistakes is that I’ve also been honest.
Being self aware, in my opinion, is far more valuable than being perfect–mostly because the former is attainable and helpful, while the latter is neither.
Relationships are not easy. They mirror everything we feel about ourselves and the way the world works. When you’ve had a bad day, the people around you seem difficult. When you’re not happy with yourself, your relationships seem to be lacking.
If you’ve ever gotten in a fight, only to find yourself wondering what you were really upset about, this post may help you. If you’ve ever been disappointed because someone didn’t meet your expectations, this post may help you, too. Feel walked on and unheard? You guessed it–there’s likely something in here that will help you change that.
We don’t live in a vacuum. We have thoughts and feelings that can be confusing. Other people do, too. And just like in the movie Crash, they don’t always collide smoothly.
When I apply these ideas–which I do better sometimes than others–I feel confident, strong, compassionate, and peaceful  in my interactions. I hope they can do the same for you.
1. Do what you need to do for you.
Everyone has personal needs, whether it’s going to the gym after work or taking some alone time on Saturday morning. If someone asks you to do something and your instinct is to honor you own need, do that. I’m not saying you can’t make sacrifices sometimes, but it’s important to make a habit of taking care of yourself. (More on this:10 Ways to Make Valentine's Day Special)
Someone once told me people are like glasses of water. If you don’t do what you have to do to keep your glass full, you’ll need to take it from someone else–which leaves them half full. Fill your own glass so you can feel whole and complete in your relationships.
2. Give people the benefit of the doubt.
It’s tempting to doubt people. To assume your boyfriend meant to hurt you by not inviting you out with his friends, or your friend meant to make you feel inadequate by flaunting her money. People who care about you want you to feel happy, even if sometimes they get too wrapped up in their own problems to show it well.
Sometimes they may be hurtful and mean it–let’s not pretend we’re all angels. But that won’t be the norm. It will likely be when they’re hurting and don’t know what to do with it. Odds are they’ll feel bad and apologize later. If you want to get good will, share it by seeing the best in the people you love. When you assume the best you often inspire it.
3. Look at yourself for the problem first.
When you feel unhappy with yourself, it’s easy to find something wrong in a relationship. If you blame another person for what you’re feeling, the solution is on them. But this is actually faulty logic. For starters, it gives them all the control. And secondly, it usually doesn’t solve the problem since you didn’t actually address the root cause.
Next time you feel the need to blame someone for your feelings–something they did or should have done–ask yourself if there’s something else going on. You may find there’s something underlying: something you did or should have done for you. Take responsibility for the problem and you have power to create a solution.
4. Be mindful of projecting.
In psychology, projecting refers to denying your own traits and then ascribing them to the outside world or other people. For example, if you’re not a loyal and trusting friend, you may assume your friends are all out to get you. It’s a defense mechanism that allows you to avoid the discomfort of acknowledging your weaknesses. There’s no faster way to put a rift in your relationships.
This comes back to down to self awareness, and it’s hard work. Acknowledging your flaws isn’t fun; but if you don’t, you’ll continue seeing them in everyone around you. And you’ll continue to hurt. Next time you see something negative in someone else, ask yourself if it’s true for you. It might not be–but if it is, identifying it can help create peace in that relationship.
5. Choose your battles.
Everyone knows someone who makes everything a fight. If you question them about something, you can expect an argument. If you comment on something they did, you’ll probably get yelled at. Even a compliment could create a confrontation. Some people just like to fight–maybe to channel negativity they’re carrying around about the world or themselves.
On the one hand, you have to tell people when there’s something bothering you. That’s the only way to address problems. On the other hand, you don’t have to let everything bother you. When I’m not sure if I need to bring something up, I ask myself these few questions:

• Does this happen often and leave me feeling bad?
• Does this really matter in the grand scheme of things?
• Can I empathize with their feelings instead of dwelling on my insecurity?
• 6. Confront compassionately and clearly. When you attack someone, their natural instinct is to defend themself–which gets you nowhere. You end up having a loud conversation where two people do their best to prove they’re right and the other one is wrong. It’s rarely that black and white. It’s more likely you both have points, but you’re both too stubborn to meet in the middle.
  If you approach someone with compassion, you will open their hearts and minds. Show them you understand where they’re coming from, and they’ll be willing to see your side. That gives you a chance to express yourself and your expectations clearly. And when you let people know what you need at the right time in the right way, they’re more likely to give that to you.
  7. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.
  There are all kinds of ways you can feel vulnerable in relationships: When you express your feelings for someone else. When you’re honest about yourself or your past. When you admit you made a mistake. People don’t always do these things because they want to maintain a sense of power.
  Power allows you a superficial sense of control, whereas true, vulnerable being allows you a sense of authenticity. That’s love: being your true self and allowing someone else to do the same without letting fear and judgment tear it down. It’s like Jimi Hendrix said, “When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.” I discussed this more in-depth in 5 Rules for Life.
  8. Think before acting on emotion.
  This one is the hardest for me. As soon as I feel hurt, frustrated, or angry, I want to do something with it–which is always a bad idea. I’ve realized my initial emotional reaction does not always reflect how I really feel about something. Initially, I might feel scared or angry–but once I calm down and think things through, I often realize I overreacted.
  When you feel a strong emotion, try to sit it for a while. Don’t use it or run from it–just feel it. When you learn to observe your feelings before acting on them, you minimize the negativity you create in two ways: you process, analyze, and deal with feelings before putting them on someone else; and you communicate in a way that inspires them to stay open instead of shutting down.
  9. Maintain boundaries.
  When people get close, boundaries can get fuzzy. In a relationship without boundaries, you let the other person manipulate you into doing things you don’t want to do. You act out of guilt instead of honoring your needs. You let someone offend you without telling them how you feel about it. The best way to ensure people treat you how you want to be treated is to teach them.
  That means you have to love and respect yourself enough to do that: to acknowledge what you need, and speak up. The only way to truly have loving, peaceful relationships is to start with a loving, peaceful relationship with yourself. This is a huge topic; if it resonates with you, I recommend this wonderful article (yes, on Oprah’s website) that explains how to set personal boundaries.
  10. Enjoy their company more than their approval.
  When you desperately need someone’s approval, your relationship becomes all about what they do for you: how often they stroke your ego, how well they bring you up when you feel down, how well they mitigate your negative feelings. This is draining for another person; and it  creates an unbalanced relationship.
  If you notice yourself dwelling on pleasing someone else or getting their approval, realize you’re creating that need. (Unless you’re in an abusive relationship, in which case I highly recommend getting help.) Instead of focusing on what you can get from that person, focus on enjoying yourselves together. Oftentimes the best thing you can do for yourself and someone else is let go and give yourself permission to smile.
  What do you do to create peaceful, loving relationships?

I LOVE U

I Love You, in 50 different languages -
1. I love you in Bulgarian – Obicham te ;
2. in Belarusian – Ya tabe kahayu ;
3. in Bangla – Aamee tuma ke bhalo aashi ;
4. in Cantonese Chinese – Ngo oiy ney a ;
5. I love you in Catalan – T`estimo ;
6. in Cheyenne – Ne mohotatse ;
7. in Chichewa – Ndimakukonda ;
8. in Creole – Mi aime jou ;
9. in Croatian – Volim te ;
10. I love you in Czech – Miluji te ;
11. in Danish – Jeg elsker dig ;
12. in Dutch - Ik hou van jou ;
13. in Esperanto – Mi amas vin ;
14. in Estonian – Ma armastan sind ;
15. I love you in Ethiopian – Afgreki` ;
16. in Farsi – Doset daram ;
17. in Filipino – Mahal kita ;
18. in Finnish –Mina rakastan sinua ;
19. in French – Je t`aime/ Je t`adore ;
20. I love you in German – Ich liebe dich ;
21. in Greek – S`agapau ;
22. in Gujarati – Hoo thunay prem karoo choo ;
23. in Hawaiian – Aloha wau ia oi ;
24. in Hebrew – Ani ohev otah (to female) and Ani ohev et otha (to male) ;
25. I love you in Hindi – Hum tumhe pyar karte hae ;
26. in Hmong – Kuv hlub koj ;
27. in Hopi – Nu` umi unangwa`ta ;
28. in Hungarn – Szeretlek ;
29. in Icelansic – Eg elska tig ;
30. in Indonesian – Saya cinta padamu ;
31. in Irish – Taim i`ngra leat ;1. I love you in Bulgarian – Obicham te ;

32. in Italian – Ti amo ;
33. I love you in Japanese – Aishiteru ;
34. in Kannada – Naanu ninna preetisuttene ;
35. in Korean – Sarang heyo ;
36. in Latin – Te amo ;
37. in Latvian – Es tevi miilu ;
38. in Malay – Saya cintakan mu / Aku cinta padamu ;
39. in Mandarin Chinese – Wo ai ni ;
40. in Navaho – Ayor anosh`ni ;
41. in Norwegian – Jeg elsker dek ;
42. in Persian – Doo-set daaram ;
43. in Pig Latin – Lay ovlay ouyay ;
44. in Polish – Kocham Ciebie ;
45. in Portuguese – Eu tea mo ;
46. in Romanian – Te ubesk ;
47. in Russian – Ya tebya liubliu ;
48. I love you in Serbian – Volim te ;
49. in Slovenian – Ljubim te ;
50. in Spanish – Te quiero / Te amo .
32. in Italian – Ti amo ;
33. I love you in Japanese – Aishiteru ;
34. in Kannada – Naanu ninna preetisuttene ;
35. in Korean – Sarang heyo ;
36. in Latin – Te amo ;
37. in Latvian – Es tevi miilu ;
38. in Malay – Saya cintakan mu / Aku cinta padamu ;
39. in Mandarin Chinese – Wo ai ni ;
40. in Navaho – Ayor anosh`ni ;
41. in Norwegian – Jeg elsker dek ;
42. in Persian – Doo-set daaram ;
43. in Pig Latin – Lay ovlay ouyay ;
44. in Polish – Kocham Ciebie ;
45. in Portuguese – Eu tea mo ;
46. in Romanian – Te ubesk ;
47. in Russian – Ya tebya liubliu ;
48. I love you in Serbian – Volim te ;
49. in Slovenian – Ljubim te ;
50. in Spanish – Te quiero / Te amo .

101 Ways to Reduce stress in life

1. Get up 15 minutes earlier
2. Prepare for the morning the night before
3. Avoid tight fitting clothes
4. Avoid relying on chemical aids
5. Set appointments ahead
6. Don’t rely on your memory … write it down
7. Practice preventive maintenance
8. Make duplicate keys
9. Say “no” more often
10.Set priorities in your life
11. Avoid negative people
12. Use time wisely
13. Simplify meal times
14. Always make copies of important papers
15. Anticipate your needs
16.. Repair anything that doesn’t work properly
17. Ask for help with the jobs you dislike
18. Break large tasks into bite size portions
19. Look at problems as challenges
20. Look at challenges differently
21. Unclutter your life
22. Smile
23. Be prepared for rain
24. Tickle a baby
25. Pet a friendly dog/cat
26. Don’t know all the answers
27. Look for a silver lining
28. Say something nice to someone
29. Teach a kid to fly a kite
30. Walk in the rain
31. Schedule play time into every day
32. Take a bubble bath
33. Be aware of the decisions you make
34. Believe in yourself
35. Stop saying negative things to yourself
36. Visualize yourself winning
37. Develop your sense of humor
38. Stop thinking tomorrow will be a better today
39. Have goals for yourself
40. Dance a jig
41. Say “hello” to a stranger
42. Ask a friend for a hug
43. Look up at the stars
44. Practice breathing slowly
45. Learn to whistle a tune
46. Read a poem
47. Listen to a symphony
48. Watch a ballet
49. Read a story curled up in bed
50. Do a brand new thing
51. Stop a bad habit
52. Buy yourself a flower
53. Take time to small the flowers
54. Find support from others
55. Ask someone to be your “vent-partner”
56. Do it today
57. Work at being cheerful and optimistic
58. Put safety first
59. Do everything in moderation
60. Pay attention to your appearance
61. Strive for Excellence NOT perfection
62. Stretch your limits a little each day
63. Look at a work of art
64. Hum a jingle
65. Maintain your weight
66. Plant a tree
67. Feed the birds
68. Practice grace under pressure
69. Stand up and stretch
70. Always have a plan “B”
71. Learn a new doodle
72. Memorize a joke
73. Be responsible for your feelings
74. Learn to meet your own needs
75. Become a better listener
76. Know your limitations and let others know them, too
77. Tell someone to have a good day in Latin
78. Throw a paper airplane
79. Exercise every day
80. Learn the words to a new song
81. Get to work early
82. Clean out one closet
83. Play patty cake with a toddler
84. Go on a picnic
85. Take a different route to work
86. Leave work early (with permission)
87. Put air freshener in your car
88.. Watch a movie and eat popcorn
89. Write a note to a far away friend
90. Go to a ball game and scream
91. Cook a meal and eat it by candlelight
92. Recognize the importance of unconditional love
93. Remember that stress is an attitude
94. Keep a journal
95. Practice a monster smile
96. Remember you always have options
97. Have a support network of people, places and things
98. Quit trying to fix other people
99. Get enough sleep
100.Talk less and listen more
101.Freely praise other people